2005-07-12



Hi. I’m Jes. Not Gump. So this isn’t so much a review by a Gump, more so, a review endorsed by a Gump. Which means if you don’t like my review, blame him. If you do like my review, you’re welcome. Remember kids, teams win, coaches lose.


Ok... “Lets get this party started.” Pink


Diary: As you Were


Asiwas? It took me a while to wrap my head around the name of her diary. I assume her name means that this diary is about her, as she was. You know, before. Only, it’s from thefirst person, as I was. But not me....her. Already, I am confused, which does not bode well for our hero (heroine? ::snort snort::).


Anyway:


First Impression: Oh look, it’s a picture of a little girl blowing her head off.


Only it’s ok, because the huge gory mess that has taken the place of her face eventually takes on the shape of beautiful butterflies. So what you trying to say is if I blow my face off, maybe I will become more beautiful? Phew!


+100


Oh, and look some more. Pages and pages and pages and pages of text detailing every detail of every detail of her monotonous non-pornographic life. Only it’s ok, because the font size is really small and close together. Phew!


-100 (no porn)


Out of curiosity, I took a look at her profile. Apparently, she doesn’t pretend. Which is always good to know. I’d hate to read a pretend diary. And I don’t mean a diary about pretend things, I mean a fictional diary, existing only in my mind. That would suck.


First, Second and Third off: I noticed three things that bothered me tremendously:


1. No mention of me. Not of me, like the Jes of review gump... that I’m sure is on there (though I don’t really CARE whether or not she linked back to this site, so I never bothered to check) I mean there is no mention of the jes of www.bohnertime.com (<-- plug!).

That’s a goddamn scandal. Quite frankly, asiwas, I’m INSULTED.


-100


2. Corney quote on the profile page: “Left your heart open, I'm just helping it bleed” blah blah. She continues to quote the diaries she reads. Most if not all have to do with feeling feelings: “If I don’t care, why does it hurt so much” “All I have to cling to isthe pain” “I left my heart in San Francisco” “The Devil went Down to Georgia”...you get the idea.


Ummm, +100 Because I fucking love that Devil went down to Georgia song.


3. To date, this diary has OVER 800 entries. Since October 2003. That means that of the last, what, 670 days, she has updated an average of 1.2 times per day.


1.2 times per day folks. That is the line between dedication and obsession.


At this point 1,000,000 to the reader for reading this far into my review. Asiwas can have 20. 20 what? Ponies? Glasses of lemonade? Slaps in the face? The mystery is yours.


Score: 20 Pretty Ponies. Mystery Solved.


Content: To be honest, I haven’t read more than a paragraph or two from any one entry in her diary. If I had, I would have DIED waiting for it to end. But here is an uplifting one about her drunk
mom.

My mom is the hugest idiot I know. Seriously. She told me this lady cut us off because we had XM radio and she didn't, and she was pissed.

I’ll give it to you, that is pretty goddamn dumb.

I'll let her drunk ass mind think whatever it wants. That's the problem with alcoholics. They're constantly in a state of being utterly fucking stupid. I can't talk to my mom anymore about anything. She only half listens, and you can be in the middle of something huge, like "hey, it's the armageddon!" and they'd interrupt with, "THAT'S MY SONG! TURN IT UP!"

Dude why you hatin’? When it’s your song, yous gosta ta respect, dawg.

But it's her stupidity that makes me dislike her which makes me feel better about letting her pay for everything, like my awesome Subway lunch

Publicizing how you take advantage of an inebriated loved one? Well done there.


Here is a link to an entry about a quiz she took because she was “pretty bored”. Unsolicited advice my friend... if you’re bored in your diary, trust me, we’re border. That’s right, border. It’s a word, look it up.

( Gump: Jessie, looks like I’m rubbing off on ya. )


So, -20 of whatever I gave her 20 of in the prior paragraph. Which might be a good thing,


Score:I have no idea.

Quality of the Content: Meh. I guess she spelled everything right. But I don’t usually give brownie points for doing what you’re supposed to do. Plus, I’m a horrible speller. I couldn’t find a spelling error in her entries if I’d READ it, (which I of course didn’t).


Score:+0. But on the upside, -0.


Magic Word or Secret Word … or whatever the fuck Gump calls it: eshaboody. Now, I don’t know what the hell that means, but to spite gump for making everyone invent some really clever word before the Gump blesses them with an almighty review...


+10. 10 points, even.


But there are an infinite number of possible points, which I believe leaves you with 0.

Gump, check my math on that one.

(Gump: I checked it. It’s adding up. Give or take general logic)


Since a good compromise leaves no one happy, I’ll give you a +5.


Out of 10.


Million.


* * *

I’d like to end with a quote about my review.


“That’s hot!” Paris Hilton


Love and a Hug,

Jes

Total Conclusion: Gump here, since I didn’t want to end this like an episode of the X-Files.

The Good: Jess did all the work.

The Bad: She didn’t conform to my egomaniacal ways!

Total Score: 5 out of 10 … possibly million. Hall of Mediocre

last entry :: next entry

written on 2005-07-12 @ 10:55 a.m.